Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Save the oceans from the Evil Oil Companies

Farm whales!

My green energy solution: Factory whale farming.

We would first need to secure a large enough facility for the farm. With the recent crude oil based disaster hurting the local economy, Louisiana would be the perfect location for cheap land and labor. The New Orleans Super Dome has had a history of problems and should be closed. We should be able to purchase it for a song.

We would have to caulk the doors and ticket windows – possibly spread a layer of sealant over the entire stadium and bleacher section. There aren’t a lot of windows, so the public doesn’t have to see the slaughter house and cry about “veal production”.

Using the pre-existing pump facilities associated with the levee system, it should be easy to fill the dome with sea water. We could re-circulate the water back into the storm sewers and repeat when the smell gets bad.

The most difficult part would be catching the breeding stock of Sperm Whales. That will have to be determined later. Breeding will require large quantities of lava lamps and Berry White CDs.

Feeding will be a breeze. As Obama bows to the environmental nut-jobs and stops oil drilling in the U.S. people will need clothing. Some other ARFCOM entrepreneur will need to begin a large scale leather farm. He can supply us with dead, skinned cows to feed the sperm whales. In return, we’ll provide him ground up whale meat for fertilizer and animal feed.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well, I have to admit that my first reaction was "Tsk! Tsk! That's hardly kosher, is it?". But then I realised that you weren't necessarily proposing to eat the whale meat yourself, so that would make everything all right.

You spoke of making beef leather as well, but have you considered whale leather? You could make some marvellous and durable seating, and in fact even renewable-replacement walls and ceilings, for a replacement football stadium out of whale leather.

As for location and feeding issues, much of New Orleans is below sea level anyway. Why not just make holes in the levees, then grow catfish in the resulting shallows and swamps as food for the whales and the football fans. Make surface-skimming rakes to draw in the petroleum that would otherwise be a pesky pollutant in the Gulf, let micro-organisms draw it into a high-energy food chain, and you'd up the value of the up-the-chain whale-oil. You could even get publicity value out of your "high embodied-energy football fans".

Get Japanese investment in the "New Orleans Whales" football franchise ("Football NOW"), and also serve up the team's namesake as finger-food along with catfish fillets and beef jerky to the fans in their whale-leather seating inside their whale-leather super-sized yurtium. When the inevitable hurricanes come in, they could simply fold their tent (and seating) and silently steal away (or at least hunker down) until the weather settled again.

The more I think about this, the more intriguing it sounds. Could be a lot of fun, you might even sell CDs of the cetaceans singing in the stadium, and the Japanese investment in container-reared cetaceans could rake in lots of lovely lucre as well.