Memo to the Left

I got this tonight in email. I wish I had written it:

To Michael Moore: Sit down and shut up... And do something about
your hair. And the ball cap.

To Jimmy Carter: big mistake to sit down and shut up next to
Michael Moore at the convention. Spend more time with drywall and
the glue gun.

To Tom Daschle: If you lean too far to the left, voters will tend to
lean right for a while, but will eventually push you out of the
boat.

To Al Gore: Please, sir, before it's too late ... Seek an
experienced mental health professional. You're beginning to make
Christopher Lloyd in "Back To The Future" look downright Rotarian-
like.

To Dan Rather: Enjoy your early retirement. The next memo you get
will be real.

To the DNC: Your platform must not have lurched far enough to the
left. Keep it tilting southpaw. Read more Marx. P.S. Keep
insulting the voters with your moral and intellectual condescension
too. It goes well with that warp speed registering of folks in
plaid wool blankets pushing shopping carts. Lovely constituency.

To Bill Clinton: Thanks for hitting the campaign trail for Kerry.
Some of us needed a reminder of what we were trying to avoid.

To Hillary Clinton: PLEASE run in '08. The Heartland will be hungry
for more hors d'oeuvres by then.

To the MTV Kidz: Vote or die - or not. Like, whatever, dude.

To John "Breck Girl" Edwards: Can you help Michael Moore and Whoopi
Goldberg with a little basic grooming?

To Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, Bono, etc.: We still like your
music, but if you ever want to sell another record, just sing and
don't go where you don't know. We don't pay to hear Colin Powell or
Condie Rice do air guitar either.

To George Soros: Want to buy an election? Not in *MY* America, you
monomaniacal, socialistic buffoon.

To the Mainstream Media: Congratulations on getting Kerry at least
thirty more electoral votes than he would have gotten without your
covert support. Imagine how badly he would have lost if you were
actually unbiased.

To the United Nations: Your worst nightmare will continue for
another four years. Deal with it.

To Howard "I Have A Scream" Dean: stick with something you
understand; like proctology for instance.

To Richard Holbrooke: learn to tell a joke. Learn to laugh at one.
Gawd.

To John Zogby: monster.com will post your resume.

To Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman, Robert Scheer, and your minor league
imitators, Greg Plast and Mark Morford: you have no red states
readers.

To Teddy Kennedy: sigh, it's still the blonde in the pond that
leads your highlight reel.

To Ron Reagan "Junior:" Do you have talent for anything?
Nexxxxxxxxxxxxxxt ...?

To the Exit Pollsters: As long as you keep skewing the results in an
attempt to influence the election, we'll keep lying to you. If you
quit, so will we. Deal?

To Osama bin Laden: Bring it on, you sonofabitch, What's that? The
only attack you can muster now is on videotape? Hmm... No surprise
there, I guess.

To Teresa HEINZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Kerry: teaching is a real job.
The Teachers Union, who supported your husband, can clarify any
continuing confusion. Oh, and it's not a "real job" to sleep with a
third generation ketchup heir and then cash the plane crash check.

To the European Union: See message for Michael Moore.

To Terry McAuliffe: See message for Dan Rather. And pay a little
attention to what Zell Miller reminds us of: 20 Democratic senators
from the south in 1960 and only six from the GOP. Today, 22
Republicans and four Dems.

To MoveOn.org: See message for George Soros

To James Carville: you're the only guy who seems to get it; and
you're very smart. Good luck finding an audience that's neither
medicated nor mendacious.

And finally, to John Kerry: Thank you for reporting for duty. You
are hereby dismissed.

Bwahahahahahaaa!!!!!!!!